Weddings,
an occasion where everyone joins in your celebration of happiness, and I mean everyone, especially in Asia.(Due to the culture and hospitality practiced in South-east Asia, gate crashing to weddings are not unheard of - View
Monsoon Wedding 2002.)
In fact, at your wedding dinner, this momentous occasion, you will meet many whom you are familiar and many you are not. Of course, the auspicious day will be even more memorable if the menu is outstanding, serving the desirable Sharks fin Scallop Consomme during the wedding banquet. The 8-10 courses menu and the merry-making will hit a high note of "Yam Sing" to toast your occasion of a lifetime. And finally, an avalanche of blessings to guarantee your marriage for the next 50 years and more.
STOP! FAST FORWARD!
20 years later,
You spouse asked for a divorce.
Emotionally dumbfounded as you had envisioned yourself spending a lifetime with him or her, you hit a blank wall not knowing how to respond. It is true that many marriages do constantly face more than the occasional hiccups, ride the roller-coasters and face the stormy seas and tidal waves. After all, a marriage unites two people from two rather diversified background with different personalities, and sometimes racially, socially and culturally different. As a result, the lives of the newlyweds are now entwined forever into the extended family of mother/father-in-law, sister, brothers, aunts and uncles and sometimes a whole community.
But what builds a relationship and what brings it down?
Truth no #1,
"Sharing is caring" and vice versa.
Being emotionally, mentally and even physically connected is highly important. Speaking and sharing truthfully from the heart between two people make the relationship bloom much like the 'lotus rising from the mud' despite the stress and the grind of our modern lifestyle. One has to display honesty in their actions or else everything turns into one suspicious mess. Truth and honesty is the glue that bonds the relationship. Communicating with your partner means you are friends foremost and that you have found a lifelong confidante. That's more important that being a wife or a husband.
Anything more that you offer to your partner is because you love each other and using a 'calculator' to define your relationship is stupid and detrimental. Remember the guy, Harold in 'Joy Luck Club' who scrutinized every single expenses his wife, Lina and he spent. Like leaky batteries, this will corrode any long term relationship. Being calculative in your relationship doesn't strengthen the marital bond and it's downright petty.
I was brought up differently, unfortunately not everyone share my sentiments. For me, it's the everyday small things that reminds me of how valuable the relationship is. For others, a more outward materialistic exhibition is desirable. I guess I am not comfortable being that kind of person. I would like to do things out of love not just a sense of duty, for that I might as well demand a salary. Anyway another 50 years down the road is a long time for anyone to be petty about what or how many gifts had been given. After all, I have pretty much given myself away for the past 20 years. So the next 20 to 30 is all for myself to share with whoever I want to.
So, I am less than perfect, ... you?
Unfortunately some are deemed never to rise to the expectations of others unless we go through a total genetic transformation or some form of blood letting or blood transfusion. I have nothing against immersing into my newly acquired socially and culturally diverse new ground, neither am I adverse to multiculturalism. After all,
I was born and bred in Malaysia where multiculturalism thrives. I've even learned a new tongue, a smattering of Tamil which is much appreciated by my close Indian friends. Coupled with a repertoire of South Indian Brahmin dishes which I am very proud of cooking and love. I have even done the unthinkable, according to my mother, that is to give up meat, to become a vegetarian.To change and to give up is because I want to conform, in this case hopefully it will make me more acceptable to my new family, but is it worth it? You can never please anybody least of all everyone!
I am a rebel?
And yes, I am still not quite comfortable wearing a Saree.That's because I still don't know how to wear one but not because I didn't like it. The Saree issue in fact exploded in a sort of political unrest and I was branded as anti-Indian. To add salt to the wound, my inability to fit into the Indian woman's circle puts me out of favor. Not a terribly good conversationalist on topics like what is the latest Saree fashion, who is the up and coming movie star and who has acquired a new house totally made me an outcast. As the saying goes, either you are in or your are out. I could carry on facade and be a FAKE, something I wasn't good at being. My mother taught me to be true to myself, or otherwise be burdened with a lie for the rest of my life. With my brand of honesty means I am not popular but hey, I not in for the Mrs Popularity contest. So maybe, my husband should have invested in some social etiquette class to give me the finishing touch. Unfortunately I had spent the last 20 years carving career directions for us and raising two young kids and first five getting to know my in-laws. These issues seem trivial to many but they are real. It may not give rise to problems in the first few 'honeymoon' years but unless you arrest them it will haunt you years later, just like mine. Regrets? Yes and no.
Truth no#2
Erosion ...?
This is not a geography lesson! All of us face pressures, some are positive and challenges us to be achievers but the negative ones only does what it is not. It strips us off our dignity, our spirit and break us into pieces, that includes marital bonds. If a burgeoning river are not controlled, it could even sweep off the whole 'village' causing fatalities. Unreasonable expectations, snide comments are like constant flowing river that can erode and rewrite your destiny as a married couple. Even if it's done with the best intentions. So it's best for most of us to hold our tongue, not to offer unsound advices as it can worsen any situations.
Ugly Reality ... War of the Roses?
Divorce is a lonesome journey...
The word 'divorce' is both taboo and ugly. It makes you bitter, angry, unforgiving, depressive and the worst is when you blame the whole affair on yourself. Suddenly you start self-evaluating yourself with torrents of questions. WHY? Could you have foreseen it coming or could you have done something to prevent it? Facing the reality of a 'marital shipwreck', you started to round up the survivors, gathering anything that are vital to you and those who depended on you for survival. Forget about the 100 year old Persian carpet or the antiques figurines. One thing for sure, you know you cannot turn back the clock. Time is ticking away for those traumatized especially the kids and they are no sponge either. Shame on any who thinks kids are sponges, that they will bounce back and will readjust to the break-up and that they will come out victoriously happier. That's because they are not your kids and you're not the one
having a divorce.
YES!
... the lawyer is right behind
Seek proper legal advice. Finding one who will not make mincemeat out of you and your ex-spouse is crucial. Talk to someone you can trust, a councilor, a therapist and even WAO Malaysia. In times like these, you will find out how genuine your friends are. Some of them are bystanders, some cheerleaders, some are sympathizers, but a rare few will put their friendship at risk, sacrifice their own time and energy to help you. I am blessed to know there are still some good people around, and they are not necessary my family. My friends are the family I have for now.
A friend wrote this email to me, "I envy your new found independence and that you will no longer need to carry that weight around you. Chin up, march ahead.Your
children are the most precious and they are here with you" A truly strong admonishment and coming from one who is happily married for almost 30 years. This wisdom showed me a different perception to my new path.
... but my kids and I, we are not alone.
The story of God's footprint
A man was facing troubled times but he was comforted by the fact that God
was always there for him, obvious by the extra set of footprints in the sand next to his. As his problems escalated, he realized only one set of prints was seen. The man started accusing God of abandoning him. God then lovingly explained that during the tumultuous times, it was not the man's footprint on the sand but God's, as God was there carrying and comforting him throughout.
an occasion where everyone joins in your celebration of happiness, and I mean everyone, especially in Asia.(Due to the culture and hospitality practiced in South-east Asia, gate crashing to weddings are not unheard of - View
Monsoon Wedding 2002.)
In fact, at your wedding dinner, this momentous occasion, you will meet many whom you are familiar and many you are not. Of course, the auspicious day will be even more memorable if the menu is outstanding, serving the desirable Sharks fin Scallop Consomme during the wedding banquet. The 8-10 courses menu and the merry-making will hit a high note of "Yam Sing" to toast your occasion of a lifetime. And finally, an avalanche of blessings to guarantee your marriage for the next 50 years and more.
STOP! FAST FORWARD!
20 years later,
You spouse asked for a divorce.
Emotionally dumbfounded as you had envisioned yourself spending a lifetime with him or her, you hit a blank wall not knowing how to respond. It is true that many marriages do constantly face more than the occasional hiccups, ride the roller-coasters and face the stormy seas and tidal waves. After all, a marriage unites two people from two rather diversified background with different personalities, and sometimes racially, socially and culturally different. As a result, the lives of the newlyweds are now entwined forever into the extended family of mother/father-in-law, sister, brothers, aunts and uncles and sometimes a whole community.
But what builds a relationship and what brings it down?
Truth no #1,
"Sharing is caring" and vice versa.
Being emotionally, mentally and even physically connected is highly important. Speaking and sharing truthfully from the heart between two people make the relationship bloom much like the 'lotus rising from the mud' despite the stress and the grind of our modern lifestyle. One has to display honesty in their actions or else everything turns into one suspicious mess. Truth and honesty is the glue that bonds the relationship. Communicating with your partner means you are friends foremost and that you have found a lifelong confidante. That's more important that being a wife or a husband.
Anything more that you offer to your partner is because you love each other and using a 'calculator' to define your relationship is stupid and detrimental. Remember the guy, Harold in 'Joy Luck Club' who scrutinized every single expenses his wife, Lina and he spent. Like leaky batteries, this will corrode any long term relationship. Being calculative in your relationship doesn't strengthen the marital bond and it's downright petty.
I was brought up differently, unfortunately not everyone share my sentiments. For me, it's the everyday small things that reminds me of how valuable the relationship is. For others, a more outward materialistic exhibition is desirable. I guess I am not comfortable being that kind of person. I would like to do things out of love not just a sense of duty, for that I might as well demand a salary. Anyway another 50 years down the road is a long time for anyone to be petty about what or how many gifts had been given. After all, I have pretty much given myself away for the past 20 years. So the next 20 to 30 is all for myself to share with whoever I want to.
So, I am less than perfect, ... you?
Unfortunately some are deemed never to rise to the expectations of others unless we go through a total genetic transformation or some form of blood letting or blood transfusion. I have nothing against immersing into my newly acquired socially and culturally diverse new ground, neither am I adverse to multiculturalism. After all,
I was born and bred in Malaysia where multiculturalism thrives. I've even learned a new tongue, a smattering of Tamil which is much appreciated by my close Indian friends. Coupled with a repertoire of South Indian Brahmin dishes which I am very proud of cooking and love. I have even done the unthinkable, according to my mother, that is to give up meat, to become a vegetarian.To change and to give up is because I want to conform, in this case hopefully it will make me more acceptable to my new family, but is it worth it? You can never please anybody least of all everyone!
I am a rebel?
And yes, I am still not quite comfortable wearing a Saree.That's because I still don't know how to wear one but not because I didn't like it. The Saree issue in fact exploded in a sort of political unrest and I was branded as anti-Indian. To add salt to the wound, my inability to fit into the Indian woman's circle puts me out of favor. Not a terribly good conversationalist on topics like what is the latest Saree fashion, who is the up and coming movie star and who has acquired a new house totally made me an outcast. As the saying goes, either you are in or your are out. I could carry on facade and be a FAKE, something I wasn't good at being. My mother taught me to be true to myself, or otherwise be burdened with a lie for the rest of my life. With my brand of honesty means I am not popular but hey, I not in for the Mrs Popularity contest. So maybe, my husband should have invested in some social etiquette class to give me the finishing touch. Unfortunately I had spent the last 20 years carving career directions for us and raising two young kids and first five getting to know my in-laws. These issues seem trivial to many but they are real. It may not give rise to problems in the first few 'honeymoon' years but unless you arrest them it will haunt you years later, just like mine. Regrets? Yes and no.
Truth no#2
Erosion ...?
This is not a geography lesson! All of us face pressures, some are positive and challenges us to be achievers but the negative ones only does what it is not. It strips us off our dignity, our spirit and break us into pieces, that includes marital bonds. If a burgeoning river are not controlled, it could even sweep off the whole 'village' causing fatalities. Unreasonable expectations, snide comments are like constant flowing river that can erode and rewrite your destiny as a married couple. Even if it's done with the best intentions. So it's best for most of us to hold our tongue, not to offer unsound advices as it can worsen any situations.
Ugly Reality ... War of the Roses?
Divorce is a lonesome journey...
The word 'divorce' is both taboo and ugly. It makes you bitter, angry, unforgiving, depressive and the worst is when you blame the whole affair on yourself. Suddenly you start self-evaluating yourself with torrents of questions. WHY? Could you have foreseen it coming or could you have done something to prevent it? Facing the reality of a 'marital shipwreck', you started to round up the survivors, gathering anything that are vital to you and those who depended on you for survival. Forget about the 100 year old Persian carpet or the antiques figurines. One thing for sure, you know you cannot turn back the clock. Time is ticking away for those traumatized especially the kids and they are no sponge either. Shame on any who thinks kids are sponges, that they will bounce back and will readjust to the break-up and that they will come out victoriously happier. That's because they are not your kids and you're not the one
having a divorce.
YES!
... the lawyer is right behind
Seek proper legal advice. Finding one who will not make mincemeat out of you and your ex-spouse is crucial. Talk to someone you can trust, a councilor, a therapist and even WAO Malaysia. In times like these, you will find out how genuine your friends are. Some of them are bystanders, some cheerleaders, some are sympathizers, but a rare few will put their friendship at risk, sacrifice their own time and energy to help you. I am blessed to know there are still some good people around, and they are not necessary my family. My friends are the family I have for now.
A friend wrote this email to me, "I envy your new found independence and that you will no longer need to carry that weight around you. Chin up, march ahead.Your
children are the most precious and they are here with you" A truly strong admonishment and coming from one who is happily married for almost 30 years. This wisdom showed me a different perception to my new path.
... but my kids and I, we are not alone.
The story of God's footprint
A man was facing troubled times but he was comforted by the fact that God
was always there for him, obvious by the extra set of footprints in the sand next to his. As his problems escalated, he realized only one set of prints was seen. The man started accusing God of abandoning him. God then lovingly explained that during the tumultuous times, it was not the man's footprint on the sand but God's, as God was there carrying and comforting him throughout.
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