My BFF

friend - ['frend] noun
• a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relation

My Best FRIEND Forever

Who have not heard this infamous line before? It's been repeated time and again in tons of chick flicks movies including my all time favorite and ridiculously funny "White Chicks".
There's even a reality series hosted by Paris Hilton, all in her quest to find her true BFF. What the big deal and how difficult can that be? If Paris Hilton can do it, so can you.

I would like to uncover and discover all my true BFF. True BFF can be as rare a diamonds but I would like to think of them not as sparkly as diamonds but rather as needles. They are extremely useful little tools, comes in different sizes, thickness, length, made of iron or stainless steel. But have you ever tried 'looking for a needle in the haystack' with your bare hands?

Guess what?

Some of us who have tried may have experienced a prick here and there while doing it. On the contrary, those sensitive among us may even get a nasty infection from some rusty old needle. Old friends or new friends, they can be hazardous to our life. We need some kind of a 'metal detector' probably in our brain circuit to decipher what a true friend is. How could you recognized the true color or the worth of a true friend? For me, that challenge is liken to searching for a 'contact lens' in the haystack. Honestly, I have a friend whom I have never been able to guess the color of her eyes as she is always with color contact lenses. For that matter, not even her real hair color! Finding the real 'McCoy' can be a challenge for everyone.

In our materialistic world, to be seen living it up, with a lavish lifestyle, designer clothing, flashy cars, dining at smoochy nightspot will guarantee a line of future BFFs, who think you have got all the right credentials. Not withstanding that you have mortgaged your house to pay for that sleek new car, that your 10 credit cards have been charged to the hilt and they have left countless messages in your brand new 4G IPhone. With this marketable image, you would have dozens queuing up to make it to your friendship list. On the other hand, these external features can hide a multitude of sins. It's hard to uncover the real them, wouldn't it? Everything on them is a facade made out of designer stuff and everything around them is a stage for them to perform. You might not know when they are faking it or when it's for real. BFF are 'dime a dozen'.

Birth, death, divorce, are but a few of these occasions where either your true BFF or the fake ones will surface and chose to be by your side.

On the contrary, someone once told me I would always be alone, without friends as I was too insipid. I also don't have the money to flash around. Life hasn't been as rosy lately but GOD has been loving. Next to GOD, my ever loyal BFF is my mother. I am never ever tired of my mother being my true friend.

Sadly, Bane, a close friend warned me about the coming of friendship fatigue, where in future, friends will be tired of being friends. What a frightening aspect, no friends? So far, I have lost many but I have gain new ones who are giving me their time, support through my rough times. At the moment, I am on the journey only to find only genuine BFF. Recently, I received this saying from a friend where she said, "A friend is one who scatters compassion and all good wishes and not merely gathering everything for themselves while on earth."

YOU! Need not apply for the job of BFF if you don't qualify.

Thank you to all my BFF, I dedicate this to all of you:
Mahi, Bawany, Siti, Nabila, Pat, Karen, Puva, Latha, Miss Wong, David, the families at CLIC, all my doctors friends, the tutors, my wonderful cousin BigOne and my 'sister' Usha. For those I did not name, you can always come to my house while I am still here.

Amused

The 2 mangoes had been a gift from Sita Mami, my sister-in-law’s mother who was visiting from Chennai, India.

As they were harvested early, I had decided to leave them to ripen on the kitchen counter next to my sunny windowsill. (When they were given, I gave my promise to make mango “urugha” pickles but I lost the inspiration.)

Soon dark spots started appearing on it smooth pale green skin, deepening to a golden yellow. What an inviting sight, as the two mangoes beckoned me to reveal their juicy golden flesh. I could not resist the temptation to sink my teeth in it after waiting more than three days.

It is pure meditation in itself, the pleasure of slowly peeling the mango without sacrificing too much of flesh. Alas, those stains of sweetness revealed to me the existence of a rival or two, who has already, beaten me to the trophy.

Nestling inside, are two young-lings whom have been left in this cocoon of love by its mother. With plenty of food and protection, all the beetles had to do is to finish their life cycle, to seek freedom to do what their species had been doing since their existence in the universe.

Thereafter burrowing out of the safe haven, they will seek the new season's fragrant mango blossoms, and the cycle of life continues for them. Unfortunately they did not anticipate their journey to a foreign land and the invasion of their privacy.

Luck was not on their side, two excitable squeamish teens, mistaken them for cockroaches decided to snuffed the lives out of these two innocent beetles. Always the opportunist I had planned to turn this find into a mini insect study project, if it weren't for the two "Jedis".

Life is too short for these beetle and even chance evaded me.

Tiny black beetle youngling or two

left on their own without a single clue.

Bugs and flesh, scooped out by a giant spoon

poor little bugs evicted out off their cocoon

A pity, preyed by young warrior,

whose eyes and ears are without fears.

With tiny wings they tried to flee,

alas, only in death will they be free.

One more mango left on the windowsill,

wonder what I will discover still.

War of the Roses

Weddings,
an occasion where everyone joins in your celebration of happiness, and I mean everyone, especially in Asia.(Due to the culture and hospitality practiced in South-east Asia, gate crashing to weddings are not unheard of - View
Monsoon Wedding 2002.)

In fact, at your wedding dinner, this momentous occasion, you will meet many whom you are familiar and many you are not. Of course, the auspicious day will be even more memorable if the menu is outstanding, serving the desirable Sharks fin Scallop Consomme during the wedding banquet. The 8-10 courses menu and the merry-making will hit a high note of "Yam Sing" to toast your occasion of a lifetime. And finally, an avalanche of blessings to guarantee your marriage for the next 50 years and more.

STOP! FAST FORWARD!
20 years later,
You spouse asked for a divorce.
Emotionally dumbfounded as you had envisioned yourself spending a lifetime with him or her, you hit a blank wall not knowing how to respond. It is true that many marriages do constantly face more than the occasional hiccups, ride the roller-coasters and face the stormy seas and tidal waves. After all, a marriage unites two people from two rather diversified background with different personalities, and sometimes racially, socially and culturally different. As a result, the lives of the newlyweds are now entwined forever into the extended family of mother/father-in-law, sister, brothers, aunts and uncles and sometimes a whole community.

But what builds a relationship and what brings it down?
Truth no #1,
"Sharing is caring" and vice versa.
Being emotionally, mentally and even physically connected is highly important. Speaking and sharing truthfully from the heart between two people make the relationship bloom much like the 'lotus rising from the mud' despite the stress and the grind of our modern lifestyle. One has to display honesty in their actions or else everything turns into one suspicious mess. Truth and honesty is the glue that bonds the relationship. Communicating with your partner means you are friends foremost and that you have found a lifelong confidante. That's more important that being a wife or a husband.

Anything more that you offer to your partner is because you love each other and using a 'calculator' to define your relationship is stupid and detrimental. Remember the guy, Harold in 'Joy Luck Club' who scrutinized every single expenses his wife, Lina and he spent. Like leaky batteries, this will corrode any long term relationship. Being calculative in your relationship doesn't strengthen the marital bond and it's downright petty.

I was brought up differently, unfortunately not everyone share my sentiments. For me, it's the everyday small things that reminds me of how valuable the relationship is. For others, a more outward materialistic exhibition is desirable. I guess I am not comfortable being that kind of person. I would like to do things out of love not just a sense of duty, for that I might as well demand a salary. Anyway another 50 years down the road is a long time for anyone to be petty about what or how many gifts had been given. After all, I have pretty much given myself away for the past 20 years. So the next 20 to 30 is all for myself to share with whoever I want to.

So, I am less than perfect, ... you?
Unfortunately some are deemed never to rise to the expectations of others unless we go through a total genetic transformation or some form of blood letting or blood transfusion. I have nothing against immersing into my newly acquired socially and culturally diverse new ground, neither am I adverse to multiculturalism. After all,
I was born and bred in Malaysia where multiculturalism thrives. I've even learned a new tongue, a smattering of Tamil which is much appreciated by my close Indian friends. Coupled with a repertoire of South Indian Brahmin dishes which I am very proud of cooking and love. I have even done the unthinkable, according to my mother, that is to give up meat, to become a vegetarian.To change and to give up is because I want to conform, in this case hopefully it will make me more acceptable to my new family, but is it worth it? You can never please anybody least of all everyone!

I am a rebel?
And yes, I am still not quite comfortable wearing a Saree.That's because I still don't know how to wear one but not because I didn't like it. The Saree issue in fact exploded in a sort of political unrest and I was branded as anti-Indian. To add salt to the wound, my inability to fit into the Indian woman's circle puts me out of favor. Not a terribly good conversationalist on topics like what is the latest Saree fashion, who is the up and coming movie star and who has acquired a new house totally made me an outcast. As the saying goes, either you are in or your are out. I could carry on facade and be a FAKE, something I wasn't good at being. My mother taught me to be true to myself, or otherwise be burdened with a lie for the rest of my life. With my brand of honesty means I am not popular but hey, I not in for the Mrs Popularity contest. So maybe, my husband should have invested in some social etiquette class to give me the finishing touch. Unfortunately I had spent the last 20 years carving career directions for us and raising two young kids and first five getting to know my in-laws. These issues seem trivial to many but they are real. It may not give rise to problems in the first few 'honeymoon' years but unless you arrest them it will haunt you years later, just like mine. Regrets? Yes and no.

Truth no#2
Erosion ...?
This is not a geography lesson! All of us face pressures, some are positive and challenges us to be achievers but the negative ones only does what it is not. It strips us off our dignity, our spirit and break us into pieces, that includes marital bonds. If a burgeoning river are not controlled, it could even sweep off the whole 'village' causing fatalities. Unreasonable expectations, snide comments are like constant flowing river that can erode and rewrite your destiny as a married couple. Even if it's done with the best intentions. So it's best for most of us to hold our tongue, not to offer unsound advices as it can worsen any situations.

Ugly Reality ... War of the Roses?
Divorce is a lonesome journey...
The word 'divorce' is both taboo and ugly. It makes you bitter, angry, unforgiving, depressive and the worst is when you blame the whole affair on yourself. Suddenly you start self-evaluating yourself with torrents of questions. WHY? Could you have foreseen it coming or could you have done something to prevent it? Facing the reality of a 'marital shipwreck', you started to round up the survivors, gathering anything that are vital to you and those who depended on you for survival. Forget about the 100 year old Persian carpet or the antiques figurines. One thing for sure, you know you cannot turn back the clock. Time is ticking away for those traumatized especially the kids and they are no sponge either. Shame on any who thinks kids are sponges, that they will bounce back and will readjust to the break-up and that they will come out victoriously happier. That's because they are not your kids and you're not the one
having a divorce.

YES!
... the lawyer is right behind

Seek proper legal advice. Finding one who will not make mincemeat out of you and your ex-spouse is crucial. Talk to someone you can trust, a councilor, a therapist and even WAO Malaysia. In times like these, you will find out how genuine your friends are. Some of them are bystanders, some cheerleaders, some are sympathizers, but a rare few will put their friendship at risk, sacrifice their own time and energy to help you. I am blessed to know there are still some good people around, and they are not necessary my family. My friends are the family I have for now.

A friend wrote this email to me, "I envy your new found independence and that you will no longer need to carry that weight around you. Chin up, march ahead.Your
children are the most precious and they are here with you" A truly strong admonishment and coming from one who is happily married for almost 30 years. This wisdom showed me a different perception to my new path.
... but my kids and I, we are not alone.

The story of God's footprint
A man was facing troubled times but he was comforted by the fact that God
was always there for him, obvious by the extra set of footprints in the sand next to his. As his problems escalated, he realized only one set of prints was seen. The man started accusing God of abandoning him. God then lovingly explained that during the tumultuous times, it was not the man's footprint on the sand but God's, as God was there carrying and comforting him throughout.

Allo-allo, Moshi-moshi

Gone will be those days where I would snub, spit or spat at telemarketers who always happen to spring upon me when I am busy sorting out things at home with the kids, which means I am either spewing smoke or coughing out blood. (A typical Chinese way of describing extreme stress.)

I assure you, my opinion have not been coerced out of me, neither have I gone nuts, nor are under the influence of drugs or received any godly revelations. Only it's because I have joined the world of the TELEMARKETERS.

For a good 2 weeks, since mid March, I have been working in the a French hotel group as a telemarketer. I convinced myself, that whoever works in this profession doesn't need to be a rocket scientist, so with guts of steel and a gung-ho spirit, I settled into my new job.

Guess what?

It's the toughest job ever in this world. First, you will need the face of Sylvester Stallone, the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger and lastly, the prowess of Monica Lewinsky to sell your services or products. You need to be more than a rocket scientist. Like a chameleon, one has to assume many roles, sometimes a therapist, finance manager, personal shopper all roll into one YOU.

On top of that , you need the voice of a chanteuse, a UN translator (speaking many languages is a boon)and the ability to roll out hotel room rates at the snap of you fingers. Having good looks doesn't count as nobody can see you, they are on the other side, for goodness sake!

Trust our American marketing expert to come up with scripted sales pitch to assist you in your first day of work. I find myself fumbling and mumbling for awhile before I got the upper hand. Still, I could not escape making incoherent sales talk especially in the first hour of the morning when my "engine" did not warm up readily (When the brain doesn't connect to your tongue).

Alas, you have to sell the same product everyday and that can be a damper to your spirit. You will then need to cultivate the temperament of the lark in order to make your conversation as natural and chirpy every single day. That's is not an easy feat. Firstly, is convincing them to part with their money for something they can't see. Then, getting them to reveal their credit card number to seal the deal is like getting the oyster to spit out the pearl and without getting your fingers pinched.

Yes, these hard working people deserves more respect from us. This is my personal oath, that I'll try to be gentler, kinder, more understanding and supportive when I pick up the phone next time YOU call.

Want to play or not? Yes, albeit the bad English, that was how as children, we approached the topic of play. Nothing has changed very much since, until the arrival of computers. Computer games like Nintendo,PlayStation, PSP etc have since changed forever our kid's idea of fun and entertainment. They no longer need to play in groups as their choice of interactive partner is reduced to a machine, chips, disk and memory cards.

Computer expert they have become. On the downside, they have turned into social nerds, hermit, outcast as they spend so much time with themselves. At the most, only one more child will join them in the odyssey of fun.

Back to this morning, playing wasn't planned this morning. We had organized an outing of breakfast, then to an early morning movie with an old friend of ours. Since that failed, I reminded Siddharth maybe there was an unfinished chore to attend to at home, which was scrubbing the foldaway mattress.

Out came the high pressure host and the bottle of Holy Cow. They swept the yard, cleaned of dried leaves and twigs, cleared the area and started hosing. As Siddharth has done this quite a number of times, this was an easy task. Next, with the mattress was finally hung up and shouts of," Wrap up everything and get ready for lunch .....", Junju came running and asked " Could we spray ourselves with the hose?".

What a blast they were having the whole morning. They hosed themselves and everything in sight wet. The child in me would have love to join in the fun if I did not have the house to attend to. Both soaked to their bare skin, giggling, laughing, screaming, shouting and of course the unavoidable bantering between brother and sister was obvious. Of course, shouts of "I hate you", " see what you did .... cause me to fall down", could be heard but that could easily be silenced by "this is great fun and the best morning I've ever had", when everything ended.

Yes, that's what real fun is, simple joy of spending time, sharing love and sibling bonding. Etching memories that will withstand the good times and bad,

Fun is rather priceless, isn't it. So, want to play or not? Please say yes.